asubstituteforsadness

SINGING IN MY SLEEP

2009-05-28T00:01:00.003Z

i'm singing in my sleep

through hours no one keeps

i like the songs i play

but i'd rather be happy

will you help me be?

will you sing along?

will you make me me?

or will i play alone?

help me to be free

maybe find a way

to crush these silly dreams

and throw this guitar away

it makes me cry

like a fool

it never gives me peace

and we can can hope

we should hope

we all could hope, i think

it makes me cry

like a fool

it never gives me peace

and we can hope

we all should hope

we all will hope , i think

SUNKEN LOW

2009-05-27T23:56:00.002Z

all the tracks that you left

after morning had set

have become dirty wounds that won't heal

and the choices that i have to make

are the ones that are real

seems that bodies are cast

from the first to the last

in remembrance of forgotten things

caught behind all the thoughts in our eyes

are the songs we can't sing

sunken low, i'm high

never more shall we part

now the end is the start

of existence where every thing's new

but i'd trade it all in for a chance

at living with you

sunken low, i'm high

foreign language is spent

i've got sins to repent

i remember i felt happy once

but my body and mind have burnt out

i just want it to stop

Hell To Pay

2008-04-14T13:35:00.004Z

hide behind what you want
the truth is not yours to flaunt
lie as much as you wish
there's nothing,forever is myth

look around, defenseless
returning now is pointless
and there'll be hell to pay

we will destroy each other

PROMENADE

2007-09-21T16:50:00.001Z

4 am comes in again
The places start to close
Tonight it’s warm and I’m outside
I think I’m walking home
I wave the cabs away from me
Without a single word
Suddenly I’m by the beach
I’ll never go back home

For reasons that aren’t known to me
I’m followed by the dust
Another night of solitude
Will end my fragile soul
I talk and nothing talks to me
Not air, not dreams not hope
Police and garbage men delete
The night before the dawn

I cannot bear another night on my own
I cannot sleep on this bed that’s made of stone
I know it’s gone on for far too long and I’m not well
But I am sick and I’m fed up sinking lower into hell

I promise that I’ll try but I don’t know if I can make it here
I want to smile but maybe it’s too late for one like me.

THIS BLUE WORLD

2007-09-21T16:47:00.000Z

in our corner
into this blue world
safe and frozen,
trying to hold on

we push ourselves and never mind
feeling so unique
we brace ourselves for the decline
the hill is very steep

in the blue days
pretending it’s a crime
float in inner space
destroying our minds

we kill ourselves, do it twice
kissing bloody cheeks
we offer our empty minds
failing to believe

in the arms of a stranger
intoxicating danger

For a song not yet written

2007-06-05T02:10:00.000Z

it's not that you lied
but i hated your truth
it's not that you tried
but you looked so damn cool
and i still recognize the face that i touched
underneath all that doom

it's not that it seemed
but it was nonetheless
it never was cursed
and it never was blessed
remember i pushed what i could
because i only wanted this

and now that it's torn
all i can do is preface the split and weep
over the ashes of what never was

level and steady wins it
but i always seem to lose

Finally

2007-05-25T02:00:00.000Z

time for me to go
whisper my name...yes, i know.
sometimes the end will bring us hope
of something better that we can grab hold

wrap me in blankets and gently croon
in the park where we danced, where the trees never bloom
under concrete estates where the children are slaves
and they never will feel their hearts break

take my hand it does not shake
for the first time i know i'm not afraid
and remember
all of these words are just words:

now lonely's just a word
now sad is just a word
now pain is just a word
now hurt is just a word

one day (a substitute for sadness)

2007-03-06T15:56:00.000Z

every morning just the same
don't even want to know it's name
just want to tear out this disgrace

i don't want to live this way
i want to live like everybody else
for just one day

i can't find my wicked soul
i wish i wasn't getting old

i don't want to live this way
i want to be like everybody else
for just one day

i don't want it this way
i want to live like everybody else for just
one day

Fickle and troubled

2007-02-21T23:06:00.000Z

Stop dragging me under
To your land of happy endings
There's no time for pretending
The world is still full of wonder

Never mind everlasting
I'll take one day without crying
One minute when i'm not dying
In this mess of destruction

Don't you give me problems
There's more to life than regretting
Like wanting, hoping, forgetting
Our days are fickle and troubled

Black sheep

2007-02-01T00:27:00.000Z

Feel my skin, with winter hands, right on
Evil is what hides inside, you know?
In this war, I will go far I will be their whore
Wearing thin, this mask of lithium

Walk right in, my flesh and sin, and choke
Spend the night, betray your moral code
And my child is running wild, it cannot be stopped
What if I were to die alone?

My little one, retracted from the sun
Go away, leave me be, I’m done
Nothing in my soul is good, and nothing is pure
I’ll live to die, and never cry, you know.

I’m evil; I’m poison in your blood.
I’m sick; I’m cancer in your bones
I’m angry, a hundred thousand bombs
I’m sad and small; I’m just like everyone.

BARLIGHT

2007-02-01T00:13:00.000Z

It goes through my fingers and then down my throat,
I drink it so I can pretend I can cope,
I go through the motions and people believe,
That I am the one that they always can see,

And it helps to stop the screams.

I do it again to forget that I’m here,
When I look in the mirror I won’t seem to care
It helps me to cry without wanting to die
I do it so I’ll dream of another life

And it hurts to see, I’m so ugly
It hurts to not be enough.

But,
In the nighttime, I can be free
In the nighttime I can be me
In the bar light, they understand
In the nighttime, I rise again.

Eloise if it was a girl

2007-02-01T00:06:00.000Z

Walking from the clinic that day
Melting tears with the London rain
Tell you we did the right thing
The truth is I feel like a killer

I wish I thought that we had a choice
I wanted so hard to stop the hurt
And give my name to your baby boy
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?

Nightmare babies crawl on my skin
As you lay there and fake your sleep
You need to go, and I know you will
Pain can scar, but then so can guit

I broke your heart and I crushed your world
That I do know without your words
Stunted joy of our would-be child
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?

Jaywalker

2007-01-25T19:26:00.000Z

I loiter near the corner store the way I do almost everyday
People are here pumping gas, the staff inside know me by name
I see my breath in little clouds, and draw smiley faces that look really sad
Waiting for the clock to turn, and then you come and suddenly it’s not so bad

But I’m tired of waiting for someone to take me away from this life

People that I barely call my friends allow themselves to tell me what to do
I hate to tell them all these things but then again I can’t just let them know the truth
Following the fluffy end of that red hat you hear, it makes me feel like home
Then we cross and almost touch, and the smell of your hair turns me into stone

But I’m tired of waiting for someone to take me away from this life.

the future is here and...

2007-01-01T22:47:00.000Z

i wonder what makes us always hope for a life that we know doesn't exist
when the clock strikes and the year goes away,
as if by the wave of a magic wand we could dry it all out:
the past, the tears, the strife and the care...
i wish i knew that the answer is right there,
in the months that will come,
in the days that we'll share. but i laugh
and i still think it's cool
to sit by the window
and watch the people below
dance and hug and wish each other,
(while believing all the lies)
a happy new year.

MAKE IT STOP

2006-12-25T02:17:00.001Z

It was the night before christmas

2006-12-25T02:09:00.000Z

frontal nudity is the summons to a pavlovian response that means nothing to you, and you jump up in an utter reliance that some sort of human and animal impulse will kick in and the genetic imperative will make you a member of some group, any group, therefore validating all the choices that you knew were wrong and absurd and very vapid and shallow. you perk up because you feel you have to and you mingle saliva with this person you don't care for, and what seems to be affection quickly dissipates into sweat, bad breath and regret. the windows make themselves into pools of potential suicide as you pretend that you will want to see the other body again and you just let yourself go to this place that brings sleep, and sleep betrays you and laughs at your nightmares. there is nothing that can make this rational, or even bareable. and it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on

arrival

2006-12-10T03:57:00.000Z

nothing quite like it,
that hollow feeling of coming home, at night's end, at dawn's birth,
sweaty, tired and alone.
the silence is haunting, and the echo of your own footsteps wanders through your head like a maddened train.
out from the cold, and into your blanket of safe sentimental songs,
legless and drowsy, but nevertheless alone.
there's no rain in here,so why are your cheeks wet?
salty sting of loneliness.
hum to yourself and try to hold back the tears, pray for that comforting sleep that will never, ever come.
maybe if you go out again, it will pass on.
perhaps a drink or two, or a dance or a night with someone new.
you know it won't do. love doesn't come when you close your eyes and twirl.
it stays locked away, where you cant reach.
it's a stranger in your world.
something has to happen, you say, something has to change.
hold your breath and cry.
because you are trapped in this equation, if anything you know this.
you must.
and nothing will release you.
not the cold, not the bed, not the dawn, nor the dusk.
another night stretches its arms, around your aching head.
you can still feel, you can bleed, you can claw your eyes out.
but there won't be any solace. not yet.

2006-12-08T11:39:00.000Z

ONE NIGHT STAND

What story can i tell you now,

That you haven’t heard before?

Should I tell you how I’m lucky, misunderstood?

Maybe shed a tear, and roll into your arms, be inside you one more time?

What excuses do I still have in my back pocket

To justify the waste I’ve made of the life I live?

I can’t even call it living anymore…

I’ve run out of excuses, of hesitations, of explanations.

I’ve flung all my crap at the mirror.

And I’ve laughed at my own face.

Shame? That I do know.

Perhaps I could tell you about that as you stretch

Your arms over your head and let your breasts slide to your side.

I could tell you about wanting to die everyday, mortified

Of being who I am.

Could I convince you with that?’

Would I want to?

Or can we just skip over all that dreadful nonsense

And just fall asleep already?

Then, tomorrow, I can creep out, and disappear,

And you can wash me out, as you cry.

2006-12-08T11:08:00.000Z

In your bed.

The bed is too warm. I can’t leave. Not now.

Feet touch your legs. Too warm, I know.

Little yawns like purrs

From your meadow mouth, make me smile.

Sometimes I smell your hair.

Dewey tropical fruits or whichever flavour you buy.

Or is it just your smell anyway?

The end of this dreamless night is here, and I want to make it all start again.

Not a single beat of my heart, because I’m so scared you’ll wake up

To call me a cab and send me away.

Eloise, if I may…your name is pretty, even if whispered

Very slowly. I touch your lips with mine, and back on my pillow

Embrace that taste.

Randomly counting the cobwebs in the corners, hoping you fell in love

As many times as I did last night. Maybe if I just do

Nothing forever, we can stay here, and sleep, and wake up, and then

Do the same again.

Coffee? For me? I would really rather have tea. Okay, I’ll stay in bed.

Orange juice is fine, do you know the number for a cab?

Remember what I said last night? I can’t hear you

From the kitchen. You want what?

Me to stay? I giggle to myself and then hum, pretending I’m nonchalant.

I sink down into the bed, nod my head, in love, in here, I want to sing.

I dream instead.