one day (a substitute for sadness)

every morning just the same
don't even want to know it's name
just want to tear out this disgrace

i don't want to live this way
i want to live like everybody else
for just one day

i can't find my wicked soul
i wish i wasn't getting old

i don't want to live this way
i want to be like everybody else
for just one day

i don't want it this way
i want to live like everybody else for just
one day

Fickle and troubled

Stop dragging me under
To your land of happy endings
There's no time for pretending
The world is still full of wonder

Never mind everlasting
I'll take one day without crying
One minute when i'm not dying
In this mess of destruction

Don't you give me problems
There's more to life than regretting
Like wanting, hoping, forgetting
Our days are fickle and troubled

Black sheep

Feel my skin, with winter hands, right on
Evil is what hides inside, you know?
In this war, I will go far I will be their whore
Wearing thin, this mask of lithium

Walk right in, my flesh and sin, and choke
Spend the night, betray your moral code
And my child is running wild, it cannot be stopped
What if I were to die alone?

My little one, retracted from the sun
Go away, leave me be, I’m done
Nothing in my soul is good, and nothing is pure
I’ll live to die, and never cry, you know.

I’m evil; I’m poison in your blood.
I’m sick; I’m cancer in your bones
I’m angry, a hundred thousand bombs
I’m sad and small; I’m just like everyone.

BARLIGHT

It goes through my fingers and then down my throat,
I drink it so I can pretend I can cope,
I go through the motions and people believe,
That I am the one that they always can see,

And it helps to stop the screams.

I do it again to forget that I’m here,
When I look in the mirror I won’t seem to care
It helps me to cry without wanting to die
I do it so I’ll dream of another life

And it hurts to see, I’m so ugly
It hurts to not be enough.

But,
In the nighttime, I can be free
In the nighttime I can be me
In the bar light, they understand
In the nighttime, I rise again.

Eloise if it was a girl

Walking from the clinic that day
Melting tears with the London rain
Tell you we did the right thing
The truth is I feel like a killer

I wish I thought that we had a choice
I wanted so hard to stop the hurt
And give my name to your baby boy
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?

Nightmare babies crawl on my skin
As you lay there and fake your sleep
You need to go, and I know you will
Pain can scar, but then so can guit

I broke your heart and I crushed your world
That I do know without your words
Stunted joy of our would-be child
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?

Jaywalker

I loiter near the corner store the way I do almost everyday
People are here pumping gas, the staff inside know me by name
I see my breath in little clouds, and draw smiley faces that look really sad
Waiting for the clock to turn, and then you come and suddenly it’s not so bad

But I’m tired of waiting for someone to take me away from this life

People that I barely call my friends allow themselves to tell me what to do
I hate to tell them all these things but then again I can’t just let them know the truth
Following the fluffy end of that red hat you hear, it makes me feel like home
Then we cross and almost touch, and the smell of your hair turns me into stone

But I’m tired of waiting for someone to take me away from this life.

the future is here and...

i wonder what makes us always hope for a life that we know doesn't exist
when the clock strikes and the year goes away,
as if by the wave of a magic wand we could dry it all out:
the past, the tears, the strife and the care...
i wish i knew that the answer is right there,
in the months that will come,
in the days that we'll share. but i laugh
and i still think it's cool
to sit by the window
and watch the people below
dance and hug and wish each other,
(while believing all the lies)
a happy new year.