For a song not yet written

it's not that you lied
but i hated your truth
it's not that you tried
but you looked so damn cool
and i still recognize the face that i touched
underneath all that doom

it's not that it seemed
but it was nonetheless
it never was cursed
and it never was blessed
remember i pushed what i could
because i only wanted this

and now that it's torn
all i can do is preface the split and weep
over the ashes of what never was

level and steady wins it
but i always seem to lose

Finally

time for me to go
whisper my name...yes, i know.
sometimes the end will bring us hope
of something better that we can grab hold

wrap me in blankets and gently croon
in the park where we danced, where the trees never bloom
under concrete estates where the children are slaves
and they never will feel their hearts break

take my hand it does not shake
for the first time i know i'm not afraid
and remember
all of these words are just words:

now lonely's just a word
now sad is just a word
now pain is just a word
now hurt is just a word

one day (a substitute for sadness)

every morning just the same
don't even want to know it's name
just want to tear out this disgrace

i don't want to live this way
i want to live like everybody else
for just one day

i can't find my wicked soul
i wish i wasn't getting old

i don't want to live this way
i want to be like everybody else
for just one day

i don't want it this way
i want to live like everybody else for just
one day

Fickle and troubled

Stop dragging me under
To your land of happy endings
There's no time for pretending
The world is still full of wonder

Never mind everlasting
I'll take one day without crying
One minute when i'm not dying
In this mess of destruction

Don't you give me problems
There's more to life than regretting
Like wanting, hoping, forgetting
Our days are fickle and troubled

Black sheep

Feel my skin, with winter hands, right on
Evil is what hides inside, you know?
In this war, I will go far I will be their whore
Wearing thin, this mask of lithium

Walk right in, my flesh and sin, and choke
Spend the night, betray your moral code
And my child is running wild, it cannot be stopped
What if I were to die alone?

My little one, retracted from the sun
Go away, leave me be, I’m done
Nothing in my soul is good, and nothing is pure
I’ll live to die, and never cry, you know.

I’m evil; I’m poison in your blood.
I’m sick; I’m cancer in your bones
I’m angry, a hundred thousand bombs
I’m sad and small; I’m just like everyone.

BARLIGHT

It goes through my fingers and then down my throat,
I drink it so I can pretend I can cope,
I go through the motions and people believe,
That I am the one that they always can see,

And it helps to stop the screams.

I do it again to forget that I’m here,
When I look in the mirror I won’t seem to care
It helps me to cry without wanting to die
I do it so I’ll dream of another life

And it hurts to see, I’m so ugly
It hurts to not be enough.

But,
In the nighttime, I can be free
In the nighttime I can be me
In the bar light, they understand
In the nighttime, I rise again.

Eloise if it was a girl

Walking from the clinic that day
Melting tears with the London rain
Tell you we did the right thing
The truth is I feel like a killer

I wish I thought that we had a choice
I wanted so hard to stop the hurt
And give my name to your baby boy
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?

Nightmare babies crawl on my skin
As you lay there and fake your sleep
You need to go, and I know you will
Pain can scar, but then so can guit

I broke your heart and I crushed your world
That I do know without your words
Stunted joy of our would-be child
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?