PROMENADE

4 am comes in again
The places start to close
Tonight it’s warm and I’m outside
I think I’m walking home
I wave the cabs away from me
Without a single word
Suddenly I’m by the beach
I’ll never go back home


For reasons that aren’t known to me
I’m followed by the dust
Another night of solitude
Will end my fragile soul
I talk and nothing talks to me
Not air, not dreams not hope
Police and garbage men delete
The night before the dawn

I cannot bear another night on my own
I cannot sleep on this bed that’s made of stone
I know it’s gone on for far too long and I’m not well
But I am sick and I’m fed up sinking lower into hell

I promise that I’ll try but I don’t know if I can make it here
I want to smile but maybe it’s too late for one like me.

THIS BLUE WORLD

in our corner
into this blue world
safe and frozen,
trying to hold on

we push ourselves and never mind
feeling so unique
we brace ourselves for the decline
the hill is very steep

in the blue days
pretending it’s a crime
float in inner space
destroying our minds

we kill ourselves, do it twice
kissing bloody cheeks
we offer our empty minds
failing to believe

in the arms of a stranger
intoxicating danger

For a song not yet written

it's not that you lied
but i hated your truth
it's not that you tried
but you looked so damn cool
and i still recognize the face that i touched
underneath all that doom

it's not that it seemed
but it was nonetheless
it never was cursed
and it never was blessed
remember i pushed what i could
because i only wanted this

and now that it's torn
all i can do is preface the split and weep
over the ashes of what never was

level and steady wins it
but i always seem to lose

Finally

time for me to go
whisper my name...yes, i know.
sometimes the end will bring us hope
of something better that we can grab hold

wrap me in blankets and gently croon
in the park where we danced, where the trees never bloom
under concrete estates where the children are slaves
and they never will feel their hearts break

take my hand it does not shake
for the first time i know i'm not afraid
and remember
all of these words are just words:

now lonely's just a word
now sad is just a word
now pain is just a word
now hurt is just a word

one day (a substitute for sadness)

every morning just the same
don't even want to know it's name
just want to tear out this disgrace

i don't want to live this way
i want to live like everybody else
for just one day

i can't find my wicked soul
i wish i wasn't getting old

i don't want to live this way
i want to be like everybody else
for just one day

i don't want it this way
i want to live like everybody else for just
one day

Fickle and troubled

Stop dragging me under
To your land of happy endings
There's no time for pretending
The world is still full of wonder

Never mind everlasting
I'll take one day without crying
One minute when i'm not dying
In this mess of destruction

Don't you give me problems
There's more to life than regretting
Like wanting, hoping, forgetting
Our days are fickle and troubled

Black sheep

Feel my skin, with winter hands, right on
Evil is what hides inside, you know?
In this war, I will go far I will be their whore
Wearing thin, this mask of lithium

Walk right in, my flesh and sin, and choke
Spend the night, betray your moral code
And my child is running wild, it cannot be stopped
What if I were to die alone?

My little one, retracted from the sun
Go away, leave me be, I’m done
Nothing in my soul is good, and nothing is pure
I’ll live to die, and never cry, you know.

I’m evil; I’m poison in your blood.
I’m sick; I’m cancer in your bones
I’m angry, a hundred thousand bombs
I’m sad and small; I’m just like everyone.

BARLIGHT

It goes through my fingers and then down my throat,
I drink it so I can pretend I can cope,
I go through the motions and people believe,
That I am the one that they always can see,

And it helps to stop the screams.

I do it again to forget that I’m here,
When I look in the mirror I won’t seem to care
It helps me to cry without wanting to die
I do it so I’ll dream of another life

And it hurts to see, I’m so ugly
It hurts to not be enough.

But,
In the nighttime, I can be free
In the nighttime I can be me
In the bar light, they understand
In the nighttime, I rise again.

Eloise if it was a girl

Walking from the clinic that day
Melting tears with the London rain
Tell you we did the right thing
The truth is I feel like a killer

I wish I thought that we had a choice
I wanted so hard to stop the hurt
And give my name to your baby boy
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?

Nightmare babies crawl on my skin
As you lay there and fake your sleep
You need to go, and I know you will
Pain can scar, but then so can guit

I broke your heart and I crushed your world
That I do know without your words
Stunted joy of our would-be child
Eloise if it was a girl

I’m leaving, across the water, to different weather, another country
Will you join me, in other seasons, another lifetime, far away?

Jaywalker

I loiter near the corner store the way I do almost everyday
People are here pumping gas, the staff inside know me by name
I see my breath in little clouds, and draw smiley faces that look really sad
Waiting for the clock to turn, and then you come and suddenly it’s not so bad

But I’m tired of waiting for someone to take me away from this life

People that I barely call my friends allow themselves to tell me what to do
I hate to tell them all these things but then again I can’t just let them know the truth
Following the fluffy end of that red hat you hear, it makes me feel like home
Then we cross and almost touch, and the smell of your hair turns me into stone

But I’m tired of waiting for someone to take me away from this life.

the future is here and...

i wonder what makes us always hope for a life that we know doesn't exist
when the clock strikes and the year goes away,
as if by the wave of a magic wand we could dry it all out:
the past, the tears, the strife and the care...
i wish i knew that the answer is right there,
in the months that will come,
in the days that we'll share. but i laugh
and i still think it's cool
to sit by the window
and watch the people below
dance and hug and wish each other,
(while believing all the lies)
a happy new year.